This blog is going to be focused mainly on my life with Fibromyalgia(FM) and Chronic Fatigue. I've been diagnosed with FM for about 3 years now, but I've had the disease for longer than that. The chronic pain disease was triggered in May 2004 when I was in a car crash on graduation day from high school. Ever since the crash, my physical, emotional and mental health has worsened dramatically. Of course my emotional and mental well-being (or lack thereof) can all be directly attributed to my failing physical health. In this blog I will try to chronicle my day-to-day experiences with the disease in the hope that someone will see this blog and understand more about FM and how it severely affects people's lives, including mine. It's past 2 in the morning and I should be asleep. But I'm not that tired and I put off going to bed because it's not a pleasant experience--nightmares, cold sweats, trouble falling asleep, waking up during the night because of the pain etc. Oh well. It's something that needs to be done. I'll write more tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be feeling better. Goodnight.
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I feel all alone. Everyone who knows me does not really know me. I find myself awake at night not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go. I shouldn't fall in love. I can't get married. I am attracted to men, who don't want me. Yet I love who I am. I love who I really am. I don't want to change for anyone. I want to love, I want to get married. I want to not be alone. I want everyone to visit me. I want everyone to be my friend. I am not disabled, yet I hurt, and people don't know that I'm hurting. I hurt so much that I cry with no tears. I pretend to be happy, I pretend to be "ok." I have to go on living. I have to go on breathing. I have to keep believing. I can't give in, I won't give in. I am no quitter. I am beautiful, I am a lover. I am whom everyone wishes they had as a lover. I give myself entirely. I give my love to Him. I am not only here for myself. I am here for my family, I am here for all those whom I love. I am here to live. I am a gay male.
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