Lately

On Friday I went to get an hour-long massage. It felt really good. But I never feel completely relaxed afterwards. And the massage therapist always says, "your muscles relaxed very well." It's not true actually. They might seem to have loosened up under her hands, but I'm the one who has tense muscles all the time and I know that they've only partially loosened up. I always wish my family had gobs of money so that we could have a live-in massage therapist at my beck-and-call. It's so much easier to be sick when you have money to pay for all the expenses.

Being here in Houston has been difficult because I thought I'd be better by now and I'm not. I've actually gotten worse. Not only do I have the usual back and neck pain, I now have sharp, shooting pain on a regular basis all over my body including my toes, hands, legs, face, fingers etc. I also have a "burning" sensation in different parts of my muscles and almost daily headaches. My fatigue is worse as well. I'm always tired. So I sleep a lot during the day and this messes up my sleep schedule at night. It's difficult for me to sit up for long periods of time. My neck is where most of the pain is, so when I read, I have to support my head with my hands or lay down with the book in an awkward position.

All my symptoms have worsened since leaving UT. It's very discouraging because I've been going to a lot of doctors here, but it takes forever to get anything done. I've also had so many demoralizing and dehumanizing experiences with doctors that I don't trust them anymore and I believe the majority of them are there just to make money, not to care for the patients in a specific way. Any doctors with a pain specialization or other chronic disease specialization need to learn to listen to the patient more and not jump to conclusions or be condescending. What happened to bedside manner?? I've been to many doctors and I still haven't found one who knows how to listen and properly care for a chronic pain patient.

Sometimes i feel like I'm wasting my time trying different things because I still have had little to no improvement and I want to graduate from college so badly! All my friends are graduating this year and going out into the real world and getting jobs. My mom told me not to beat myself up about not graduating on time because it took her six years to graduate and "nothing was wrong with me!" I just hope I get better soon. This is no way to live.