Pain, Pain, Pain

These past few nights I have been waking up at 5 or 6am and can't go back to sleep for about an hour or more. Most times it's because I'm in a lot of pain, but also I've been having a lot of nightmares. The other day I woke up after having a vivid dream in which someone was trying to get me and I jumped all the way out of bed and yelled "no!" before I realized I was dreaming. That kind of thing has been happening a lot lately...

I think there is only so much that the mind can take after the body has taken a significant physical beating. Considering my body is basically tortured everyday with pain, I'm surprised I haven't gone (more) crazy. Even as I sit here, at the bar of my kitchen, in the living room, on my sister's computer, sitting on a stool, my shoulders and neck are burning with pain, my muscles feel like they are being twisted out of me and I am having uncontrollable muscle spasms and shaking. The shaking just started recently. I don't know what that's about.

I've been seeing an acupuncturist this week and I've also been going to group therapy for my severe depression. I'm just going to put that out there and not try to hide it. I don't know how someone is supposed to stay happy and normal when they are being tortured 24/7 so I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay. I'm definitely not. I'm barely hanging on. I burst into tears all the time. Usually when I'm alone in my room, in bed with my thoughts and I think about how hopeless my situation is. I almost want to laugh. It's so ridiculous how nothing has helped. Nothing. And my condition just seems to be worsening. I'm so tired of living this horrible life. I'm tired of doctors treating me like shit with their egos and condescending tones. I'm tired of other people trying to help by giving me advice that I've already tried. I'm tired of my friends avoiding the subject or talking to me like I'm a little kid. I'm tired of not being in school and I'm tired of my life passing me by.

The acupuncturist I'm seeing felt my pulses and could tell that I'm angry. How crazy is that? Yeah I'm angry, I'm super fucking pissed. I'm mad that I have to sit here at home instead of be in school in Austin. I'm mad that I feel like shit all the time and that I have to endure this much pain all the time. I'm mad that I have to walk around and smile and pretend that everything's ok and act like a civilized person when I have every right to be freaking out all the time considering I'm being literally tortured every second of my life!! I'm mad because I can feel myself going crazy--like really losing it. I'm mad because most of my friends are graduating and moving to places like New York, Chicago, and Atlanta and getting great jobs while I still have at least 2 years until I can graduate when I should be graduating this May. I'm mad that I can't enjoy the things that used to give me pleasure like running, dancing, going out, wearing high heels, etc. I can't do any of those things without being in significant pain. I can't stand how some people still don't believe me when I describe to them the pain I'm feeling just because I look okay on the outside. I'm mad because the biggest social butterfly in the world (me) has turned into a veritable recluse. I'm mad because I cause my parents so much financial burden and emotional stress. I'm mad because I'm never happy. I'm so angry! I just want to stab something or burn something.

On a completely unrelated note, I have started a 30-day cleanse by this guy named Richard Schulze who claims that there are no incurable diseases. I read this one girl's testimony who did the program who also had Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and she had had to resign from her job and barely had any strength when she started the program, and now she feels wonderful and 99% of her symptoms are gone. Also, she's black, which makes the first person I've seen that is Black and has FM. SO basically, I hope this program works. It's going to be intense, and I've tried (and failed) many times to stay on a cleanse program but I am sure I can do it this time. I just can't go on living like this anymore. Whoever is reading this, please pray for me.